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It’s 5am and I …

cannot sleep. I have Jack Martello on repeat listening to an Adele cover, one of my favorites. Tonight has been a frustrating one it’s weird how when you get quiet and turn off all the technology you start evaluating life. Hmm.. maybe that’s why people use it. It takes their mind off things or distracts them from the here and now. I’m slowly trying to wean myself from it, but I am a video editor so the goal is not easily attained.

One of the things that frustrates me goes back to my high school days, have you ever had an assignment or a project that was due on a certain date and the teacher wouldn’t budge on extensions? I’ve had a couple of them. When it came time to turn in the assignment it turns out that the teacher took a vacation or maybe half the class needed more time to finish it therefore the teacher just completely voided the homework assignment or gave extensions. All the while you’ve been sweating bullets and doing everything in your power to get it in and on time? Ya, that always pissed me off and slowly started changing the way I go about life, negatively. It’s definitely something that I need to fix. I’ve had several assignments that were like that until I basically just came up with the “lazy” mentality, you know the one where you just give up because the teacher is gonna completely void the assignment anyway and all that work will be for naught. Even after high school I’ve had experiences where I would put work into something and in the end it was never used. It’s like really? I did all of that for nothing? So it’s been easy for me to slip back into “lazy” mentality; and then tonight happened.

I’m now working with some of the coolest people I know starting up a film company and getting things done. We’re transitioning from doing wedding and sweet sixteen videos to commercials and then our main goal, movies! I’m definitely stoked about it but in the process it’s been rough. You see even though I’m in a new environment and I like doing what I do, old habits die hard. My inconsistency is getting the better of me and I hate it. I still have that stupid mentality and I realized that tonight so it must change. This very horribly early morning I make a declaration of war! I’m gonna go back to being that straight A student I was back in elementary school, the one that studied hard got things done and enjoyed it. It’s all in the thought process. So my new idea: silent films. They shall be awesome! Why be like everybody else? A very dear friend of mine introduced me to Charlie Chaplin films and from there the idea just grew. No teachers involved here to say the assignment is moot. 

-Enter clean slate-

Today of all days…

I choose to speak life. Today of all days I choose to be happy. Today of all days I choose not to throw a pity party. Today of all days I choose not to let the situations around me dictate my emotions, thoughts, and actions. Today of all days I choose not to let people’s personalities get in my way. Today of all days I make a decision. 

Because today of all days, my emotions and my thoughts and my actions would all do the opposite of what I choose… 

Stupidest of days, I don’t understand

Well, today I woke up to my grandma handing me the phone and I silently nodded my head and lipped the words “who is it?” to which she shrugged and motioned for me to talk. Mind you my voice was still groggy since I had just right then got up from sleeping. I cleared my throat as best I could and spoke as clearly as I could trying to hide my wariness, no luck. I don’t know if the guy on the other end really couldn’t hear me or understand me because for the first minute of the conversation it was spent trying to decipher the word “hello.” Once we got that out of the way he stated his name and why he had called, it was a job offer. To which I both perked up as best I could (failing miserably) and had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach (knowing I had probably already blown my chances of ever landing that occupation). Anyways the conversation continued and it got more awkward along the way, we eventually said bye (which was a huge relief for myself). After hanging up the phone I admitted defeat. That was the most awkwardest job offer call I have ever received. I was upset at myself for not waking up at least 15 minutes earlier and clearing up my voice completely or at least make an excuse stating that I was sick. (but that would be lying and that hasn’t got me anywhere with jobs at all) Anyway, I was kicking the crap out of myself for not having done any of those things and I decided to take a shower.

It’s funny to me because when I’m in the shower that’s my relaxing time it’s my “me” time. So I started thinking how crappy life was and how every job offer I had received didn’t end the way I wanted it to for one reason or another. Before I had stepped in to the bathroom even I read a retweet from a very good friend of mine and it said, “There is no humility in worry. It is laced with pride. “I must find my own way without God’s help.” ” Which then got me thinking, I’m way too prideful for my own good and its way too hard for me to admit that sometimes (which is another form of pride, sneaky little bastard). Then I got angry because I felt helpless, like really God why can’t I just get a job and be done with my mess! (not at all saying God brought all this stuff on me, because he didn’t). I want to be able to have nice things like I used to and have a car and a phone and all that stuff. To be honest I would have continued my pity party had I not stopped myself to remind myself that, “God is good, AND God is good to me.” Remembering that I started thinking of all the things that I do have and how lucky I am not to be living out in the streets. I really don’t know where to go with this post, but even though I don’t understand some things I do know this God is faithful, He is good, and He is good to me. 

So I …

just realized that black clothing will always be apart of my life’s uniform. I run a switcher on the weekends and the uniform dress for that (including the cameramen and stage hands, well, basically the whole production crew) is all black attire. I thought it was only for what we did on the weekends but it turns out even the professionals rock that black! Pretty freakin’ sweet well I guess I gotta start building my black wardrobe, seems like I’m in this for the long haul. Seeing as how film is a major passion and a definite career choice for me. :D Thoughts? Questions? Drop ‘em in my inbox! :P 

Welcome to my corner of the internet, relax, kick back, and leave your worries at the door… :)

Fuck ya! This is my little corner of the internet where I can just be me, like all of me not just 5% me or even 35% me but 100% me. Don’t get me wrong I’m always me you just see different percentages. I’ve got a couple different outlets on here nothing big just the usual, but I choose to keep my mouth shut on certain topics, or be very open with others. Well, you won’t get that here. It’s a no holds bar zone. I love how I can be “anonymous” with the exception of one or two people (but it’s cool they’re with me and I haven’t not told them anything they don’t already know) :D So here’s to my piece of the pie, go ahead ask me anything, or ya know we can just follow each other. :D